Thankfully for me there are no images to verify what I am writing about.
The Long Beach Grand Prix has been playing out on the streets of Long Beach, California for 35 years now. Always a unique event as it is run on the downtown streets people drive to and from work, home, and play each and everyday.
Check out this video from back in the day when Formula One ran on the streets of Long Beach.
And one more video of Lou Galati's Corvette Bar-b-Que at this years GP. Wait for it...
It takes some three weeks to prepare the barriers, fencing, pedestrian crossovers, and all the other support controls necessary to put on this event.
After a ten minute orientation session at the temp agency they were just hired through, an army of people, whose sole purpose is to inform you that, "you're not allowed to go there" or "you cant go 'this' way", are unleashed upon us all in an effort to "help make the Grand Prix a success."
Communication usually solves all kinds of problems. (Save for the vacuum of a grand prix weekend) If you heard a giant sucking sound that weekend, if it wasn't the guvmint sucking your, your children, and your grandchildrens (sp) financial future out of your back pocket, it was the giant flaming ball of suck created over downtown Long Beach thanks to an unimaginable amount of stubbornness inculcated into the people who "work" Grand Prix weekend.
Regardless of the question, the answer is no. With that in mind it becomes a battle of wills.
Is it safe to say that when someone gets their bluff called (threatening to have you arrested) and loses, you really have seen their angry side then. Because now their ego was smashed. And for what? Because you wouldn't backup and walk through a different door ten feet away to wind up at the exact same place?
It's kind of like that whole sibling rivalry thing, "You will do as I say when I say it" kind of mentality you have to deal with at just about every turn...
Friday morning ALMS cars went out for a forty-five minute session. I headed to the outside of the hairpin for this session as it provides a cosmopolitan downtown feel to the pictures thanks to the high rise condos and office buildings that line the circuit.
Approaching the corner I notice a fairly warm (read heated) discussion about gaining track-side access. Here we find one Long Beach security guard refusing to allow two ALMS series regular photographers into the area to take pictures.
Reason...
wait for it...
They're being refused access because they have hard card credentials (I'm yelling now)!
What is a hard card you may ask? A hard card credential is a form of credential that is issued by the sanctioning body, in this case IMSA/ALMS, to individuals who cover a majority of ALMS events.
But that's not enough to demonstrate the absurdity of all this. You see, when you are a HC shooter in the ALMS you have a special issue black and orange photo vest. On top of that, the Long Beach GP officials require that we wear their special blue bib looking thing.
Both photographers had all the proper acutriments.
But since that isn't enough to demonstrate all this stupidity, bear in mind that the photographers who are trying to get trackside have no less than 12-20 thousand dollars worth of camera gear on their person.
Why-o-why you ask was the good security guard refusing access? Access was refused because the Grand Prix Association of Long Beach had printed out a sheet that was given to all security workers indicating that American LeMans Series and SCCA Sports Car Club of America hard cards are not allowed trackside.
Insert a WTF right here. What the F
Beautiful thing is that a photo hard card from the ALMS actually says "PHOTO" on it. It doesn't say "flaming ball of suck" on it. If it did maybe the LBGP security goon could say, "Hey jackass, your hard card says 'flaming ball of suck' on it. It doesn't say 'PHOTO'" and thus he may be correct in denying access.
Soon enough a heard, yes a heard (more than two thanks to the way most of us behave in public), ALMS hard card shooters show up and the security goons relent and promise to "fix" the situation later. Fifteen minutes of 45 consumed in the giant flaming ball of suck that is the LBGP.
Great fun.
The usual press conferences happen announcing various things and various people use various "new to me" words and phrases like "torsional rigidity." That's a fun one. Try it out!
During one of the press conferences the new team owner was quoted as saying the new chassis of his new race car has 18,000 lbs of torsional rigidity per one degree of flex.
Sounds cool huh?
This go around, a rather unusual press conference was held thanks to Helio Castroneves being found not guilty on six of seven tax evasion charges. Just in time to compete in the GP on Sunday.
Speaking of torsional rigidity, I have no effing clue what it really means and lack the desire to Google that sh!t, so I offer the understanding I have of it now.
Saturday morning I arrive early so as not to miss the opportunity to park in the parking garage (garage access closes at 7:15am since it is inside the racing circuit so I am parked by 6:40am), get to the mandatory photographers meeting (7am), and shoot the morning warm up session (7:30am).
All that goes down well enough without any hickups. No problems. Pictures from the session look good. Light was nice and low.
After editing and delivering images nature made the inevitable call.
The mens room on the bottom floor of the Long Beach Convertion Center is a fine facility indeed. Complete with four sinks on your left as you enter. This, followed by a beautifully tiled divider between the four urinals that follow and separating the next three stalls (one of which is for the mobility impaired) is another beautifully tiled divider.
Re-iterating, that's four sinks, a beautifully tiled divider, four urinals, another beautifully tiled divider and three stalls (one of which is for the mobility impaired).
Inside the comfort and convenience of the Long Beach convention center's mens room I take care of the call of nature in the middle stall of three (one of which is for the mobile impaired).
Pull up my pants, tuck in my shirt, and exit the middle stall of three (one of which is for the mobility impaired).
As I exit the middle stall of three (one of which... ) I pass the beautifully tiled divider, the four urinals, and choose the second (from the left) of the four sinks to wash my hands.
Taking careful note of the good feeling one has after such an occasion (I know you know what I am talking about here too... It's the "WOW! I wont have to do that again for a week!!!").
I hear the door to the mens room open and see someone adorned in Tequila Patron sponsored clothing enter the mens room via the mirror in front of me and my peripheral vision.
He walks past as I hear, "What the hell is this!?"
Water still running and hands all lathered up still enjoying my post (you know what) feeling I look over my right shoulder to see this person, adorned in Tequila Patron sponsored clothing, stopping short of the four urinals looking curiously at the also beautifully tiled floor.
To my horror I see a long stretch of toilet tissue.
A stretch of toilet tissue spanning from the middle stall of three, past the four urinals, the two beautifully tiled dividers right up to, and tightly tucked into the crack of my own ass.
Yes, there is no less that twenty-five feet of toilet tissue strung out across the floor from the stall to my ass.
The dapperly dressed PR agent I mentioned takes the "One giant leap for mankind" hop, skip, and jump across the TP to the urinals being careful to not touch the offending TP.
Torsional Rigidity.
Defined. Realized. Observed. Personified and a great many other "'ed's"
How so you may rightly ask?
Allow me to retort...
How many times have you used a public facility for similar reasons and cant get more than three squares of TP much less a wad sufficient in size to mop, swab, dab or otherwise the remnants, leftovers, loose ends, miscellany etc.. of aforementioned activity?
Are we making progress yet? Torsional Rigidity people.
So I Googled it for you anyway and here it is:
"The ratio of the torque applied about the centroidal axis of a bar at one end of the bar to the resulting torsional angle, when the other end
is held fixed"
How ironic that the TP in the mens room at the Long Beach Convention Center is equally strong. Unfucking-breakable. 18,000 lbs of torsional rigidity per one degree of flex.
M. Night Shyamalan make a move called Unbreakable? It was a metaphor about this roll of toilet paper. If only I had known.
Not wanting to make a complete ass of myself (too late) I begin to "roll" up the TP all the way back to the middle stall of three.
When I arrive at the middle stall of three I apply the clean and jerk move on the massive wad of TP I have accumulated during the journey from the sink only to realize this is not the way to sever the roll of TP.
You see, the clean jerk motion I just mentioned put a spin so violent on this thousand foot roll it initiated a massive acceleration that shook the walls of the stall itself.
The hell wheel-'o-TP is born a new. Hell hath no fury like a bigass roll of TP.
At least another ten yards of TP unfurl onto the floor. Add that up... That is an unholy load of TP.
So much for the Green Initiative. I killed all the momentum for that.
Knowing the kind of rumors that would immediately spread once word got out about this I decided it best to confess to my colleagues the events of that morning long before they had a chance to embellish.
Offers were made to re-enact with characters not in the original score and take pictures. Thankfully, that never happened.
I had a 6:35am flight out of LAX Sunday morning. Upgrade to First class. Sweet!
Seems the Texas Womens Volleyball team (does Texas have a mens V-ball team?) had a game in the LA area.
What is it about them V-ball girls? They're all smoking hot, tall, tanned, and have deep voices.
While they were boarding the hottest of the hot - the one with the deepest voice - asked one of the other athletes, "Got yer cookies?"
I like cookies.
The Long Beach Grand Prix has been playing out on the streets of Long Beach, California for 35 years now. Always a unique event as it is run on the downtown streets people drive to and from work, home, and play each and everyday.
Check out this video from back in the day when Formula One ran on the streets of Long Beach.
And one more video of Lou Galati's Corvette Bar-b-Que at this years GP. Wait for it...
It takes some three weeks to prepare the barriers, fencing, pedestrian crossovers, and all the other support controls necessary to put on this event.
After a ten minute orientation session at the temp agency they were just hired through, an army of people, whose sole purpose is to inform you that, "you're not allowed to go there" or "you cant go 'this' way", are unleashed upon us all in an effort to "help make the Grand Prix a success."
Communication usually solves all kinds of problems. (Save for the vacuum of a grand prix weekend) If you heard a giant sucking sound that weekend, if it wasn't the guvmint sucking your, your children, and your grandchildrens (sp) financial future out of your back pocket, it was the giant flaming ball of suck created over downtown Long Beach thanks to an unimaginable amount of stubbornness inculcated into the people who "work" Grand Prix weekend.
Regardless of the question, the answer is no. With that in mind it becomes a battle of wills.
Is it safe to say that when someone gets their bluff called (threatening to have you arrested) and loses, you really have seen their angry side then. Because now their ego was smashed. And for what? Because you wouldn't backup and walk through a different door ten feet away to wind up at the exact same place?
It's kind of like that whole sibling rivalry thing, "You will do as I say when I say it" kind of mentality you have to deal with at just about every turn...
Friday morning ALMS cars went out for a forty-five minute session. I headed to the outside of the hairpin for this session as it provides a cosmopolitan downtown feel to the pictures thanks to the high rise condos and office buildings that line the circuit.
Approaching the corner I notice a fairly warm (read heated) discussion about gaining track-side access. Here we find one Long Beach security guard refusing to allow two ALMS series regular photographers into the area to take pictures.
Reason...
wait for it...
They're being refused access because they have hard card credentials (I'm yelling now)!
What is a hard card you may ask? A hard card credential is a form of credential that is issued by the sanctioning body, in this case IMSA/ALMS, to individuals who cover a majority of ALMS events.
But that's not enough to demonstrate the absurdity of all this. You see, when you are a HC shooter in the ALMS you have a special issue black and orange photo vest. On top of that, the Long Beach GP officials require that we wear their special blue bib looking thing.
Both photographers had all the proper acutriments.
But since that isn't enough to demonstrate all this stupidity, bear in mind that the photographers who are trying to get trackside have no less than 12-20 thousand dollars worth of camera gear on their person.
Why-o-why you ask was the good security guard refusing access? Access was refused because the Grand Prix Association of Long Beach had printed out a sheet that was given to all security workers indicating that American LeMans Series and SCCA Sports Car Club of America hard cards are not allowed trackside.
Insert a WTF right here. What the F
Beautiful thing is that a photo hard card from the ALMS actually says "PHOTO" on it. It doesn't say "flaming ball of suck" on it. If it did maybe the LBGP security goon could say, "Hey jackass, your hard card says 'flaming ball of suck' on it. It doesn't say 'PHOTO'" and thus he may be correct in denying access.
Soon enough a heard, yes a heard (more than two thanks to the way most of us behave in public), ALMS hard card shooters show up and the security goons relent and promise to "fix" the situation later. Fifteen minutes of 45 consumed in the giant flaming ball of suck that is the LBGP.
Great fun.
The usual press conferences happen announcing various things and various people use various "new to me" words and phrases like "torsional rigidity." That's a fun one. Try it out!
During one of the press conferences the new team owner was quoted as saying the new chassis of his new race car has 18,000 lbs of torsional rigidity per one degree of flex.
Sounds cool huh?
This go around, a rather unusual press conference was held thanks to Helio Castroneves being found not guilty on six of seven tax evasion charges. Just in time to compete in the GP on Sunday.
Speaking of torsional rigidity, I have no effing clue what it really means and lack the desire to Google that sh!t, so I offer the understanding I have of it now.
Saturday morning I arrive early so as not to miss the opportunity to park in the parking garage (garage access closes at 7:15am since it is inside the racing circuit so I am parked by 6:40am), get to the mandatory photographers meeting (7am), and shoot the morning warm up session (7:30am).
All that goes down well enough without any hickups. No problems. Pictures from the session look good. Light was nice and low.
After editing and delivering images nature made the inevitable call.
The mens room on the bottom floor of the Long Beach Convertion Center is a fine facility indeed. Complete with four sinks on your left as you enter. This, followed by a beautifully tiled divider between the four urinals that follow and separating the next three stalls (one of which is for the mobility impaired) is another beautifully tiled divider.
Re-iterating, that's four sinks, a beautifully tiled divider, four urinals, another beautifully tiled divider and three stalls (one of which is for the mobility impaired).
Inside the comfort and convenience of the Long Beach convention center's mens room I take care of the call of nature in the middle stall of three (one of which is for the mobile impaired).
Pull up my pants, tuck in my shirt, and exit the middle stall of three (one of which is for the mobility impaired).
As I exit the middle stall of three (one of which... ) I pass the beautifully tiled divider, the four urinals, and choose the second (from the left) of the four sinks to wash my hands.
Taking careful note of the good feeling one has after such an occasion (I know you know what I am talking about here too... It's the "WOW! I wont have to do that again for a week!!!").
I hear the door to the mens room open and see someone adorned in Tequila Patron sponsored clothing enter the mens room via the mirror in front of me and my peripheral vision.
He walks past as I hear, "What the hell is this!?"
Water still running and hands all lathered up still enjoying my post (you know what) feeling I look over my right shoulder to see this person, adorned in Tequila Patron sponsored clothing, stopping short of the four urinals looking curiously at the also beautifully tiled floor.
To my horror I see a long stretch of toilet tissue.
A stretch of toilet tissue spanning from the middle stall of three, past the four urinals, the two beautifully tiled dividers right up to, and tightly tucked into the crack of my own ass.
Yes, there is no less that twenty-five feet of toilet tissue strung out across the floor from the stall to my ass.
The dapperly dressed PR agent I mentioned takes the "One giant leap for mankind" hop, skip, and jump across the TP to the urinals being careful to not touch the offending TP.
Torsional Rigidity.
Defined. Realized. Observed. Personified and a great many other "'ed's"
How so you may rightly ask?
Allow me to retort...
How many times have you used a public facility for similar reasons and cant get more than three squares of TP much less a wad sufficient in size to mop, swab, dab or otherwise the remnants, leftovers, loose ends, miscellany etc.. of aforementioned activity?
Are we making progress yet? Torsional Rigidity people.
So I Googled it for you anyway and here it is:
"The ratio of the torque applied about the centroidal axis of a bar at one end of the bar to the resulting torsional angle, when the other end
is held fixed"
How ironic that the TP in the mens room at the Long Beach Convention Center is equally strong. Unfucking-breakable. 18,000 lbs of torsional rigidity per one degree of flex.
M. Night Shyamalan make a move called Unbreakable? It was a metaphor about this roll of toilet paper. If only I had known.
Not wanting to make a complete ass of myself (too late) I begin to "roll" up the TP all the way back to the middle stall of three.
When I arrive at the middle stall of three I apply the clean and jerk move on the massive wad of TP I have accumulated during the journey from the sink only to realize this is not the way to sever the roll of TP.
You see, the clean jerk motion I just mentioned put a spin so violent on this thousand foot roll it initiated a massive acceleration that shook the walls of the stall itself.
The hell wheel-'o-TP is born a new. Hell hath no fury like a bigass roll of TP.
At least another ten yards of TP unfurl onto the floor. Add that up... That is an unholy load of TP.
So much for the Green Initiative. I killed all the momentum for that.
Knowing the kind of rumors that would immediately spread once word got out about this I decided it best to confess to my colleagues the events of that morning long before they had a chance to embellish.
Offers were made to re-enact with characters not in the original score and take pictures. Thankfully, that never happened.
I had a 6:35am flight out of LAX Sunday morning. Upgrade to First class. Sweet!
Seems the Texas Womens Volleyball team (does Texas have a mens V-ball team?) had a game in the LA area.
What is it about them V-ball girls? They're all smoking hot, tall, tanned, and have deep voices.
While they were boarding the hottest of the hot - the one with the deepest voice - asked one of the other athletes, "Got yer cookies?"
I like cookies.
